Chapter 7: Acceptance

 Long time no see.

I no longer fight for the reality, because I know it. Life gives lessons and exams. More you accept, know that more your foundation is clear. 

Sometimes my own curiosity is my killer, why do I have to sniff around, why I have to read, solve every mystery? Psychology has been my passion, not the clinical ones, but behavioural. 

Leaders say, accept but not expect. I tried to accept but it is tough in the moment. Repeating the pages, knowing the depth, was I even loved by anyone, friends and family. As I am writing today, I know the tightness I feel in my chest, questioning myself, am I worthy enough? Every time, I fought battles of my happiness and peace, why is life not easy.

I want to be writer someday, but does every writer have to go in pain and suffering? Alone in this room, with lemon tea in one hand, tears rolling, I wonder, am I bad person? Am I the one for you, or you just accepted me as a good human?

I don't drink because I need to be in the reality. Sunday are my favourite day, because that was the day I first met you, and had fallen in love. It hurts so had, when I don't see around me when I am low. Do I love you enough? Am I your priority? Will you stand by me, hold me, support me? I don't want to go to my shell, to forget everything I read. I know those pages doesn't matter, those incidents don't matter. But I just want to know, do I affect you, my presence and absence? 

Am I supposed to be silent about my pain? I know I am illogically jealous, but what to do, I am scared to lose you.  But sometimes I feel I am all alone. Am I wrong to dependent on you? Why my lows are not important? I have heard you supporting your friends, but when it comes to me, I am alone strange circumstances.

This is not me, but nothing is helping me, these hormones will be death of me. 

I can't right anymore, I am tired, I am in pain, I am alone.

Bye.

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